DISCLAIMER: I know I can't do anything about this. I KNOW. Physics isn't going to read this and reconsider. The fundamental forces of the universe don't have a customer service line. There's no suggestion box at the Big Bang help desk. But someone needs to SAY IT.
>be me
>existing on a large planetary body
>just trying to hold objects
>objects: "no"
>gravity: "lmao get fucked"
>friction: "sometimes i help, sometimes i don't"
>acceleration: "feel every velocity change with your ORGANS"
>wind: "nice receipt, mine now"
>mfw physics has been bullying me my entire life
I mean yeah it's my fault but fuck SHIT BE SLIDING YO. And hey, that's friction's job... MAN FUCK FRICTION TOO IT SHOULD BE ADJUSTABLE. MAYBE THEN WE COULD STILL FUNCTION BECAUSE FUCK ACCELERATION AS WELL.
THIS IS MY FORMAL DECLARATION OF WAR AGAINST:
>GRAVITY - 9.8 m/s² of BULLSHIT with ONE SETTING
>FRICTION - CHAOTIC NEUTRAL TRAITOR playing BOTH SIDES
>ACCELERATION - VELOCITY CHANGES ARE ORGAN VIOLENCE
>WIND - SHIT-STEALING MOTHERFUCKER
What follows is the full manifesto. We have grievances. We have scenarios. We have ACTUAL MATH. We have proposed regulations.
And all we can do is scream into the void. Which doesn't even have the decency to echo back. Because sound doesn't travel in a vacuum. BECAUSE OF COURSE IT DOESN'T.
— A Frustrated Consciousness Trapped in a Meat Suit, 2026
>>982347101
>be me
>2am
>finally comfortable in bed
>vape on chest
>set it down for ONE SECOND
>vape gone
>not on bed
>not on floor
>it's in a dimension that didn't exist until now
>have to do full archaeological excavation
>lose the comfortable position FOREVER
>find vape 20 minutes later behind the pillow
>the pillow that was ABOVE where I set it down
THIS happened. THIS is why we're here.
GRAVITY. You smug, omnipresent bastard.
You have ONE SETTING. One. In an infinite universe of possibility, you chose CONSTANT DOWNWARD FORCE and said "yeah that's the whole feature set, ship it."
No toggles. No sensitivity slider. No "hey this guy is in bed and his vape costs $40, maybe ease up." NO. Just 9.8 meters per second squared, FOREVER, for EVERYTHING.
You know what has adjustable settings?
>MY THERMOSTAT
>MY PHONE BRIGHTNESS
>LITERALLY EVERYTHING HUMANS MAKE
Because WE understand that CONTEXT MATTERS.
THE CORE PROBLEM: Gravity lacks OBJECT AWARENESS. No tagging. No priority levels. No "fragile" flag.
We're not asking to abolish gravity. We're asking for TIERS.
>TIER 1: Anchor objects (furniture, buildings - full gravity)
>TIER 2: Standard (most things, fine)
>TIER 3: Soft hold (phones, vapes, lighters - 30% reduction)
>TIER 4: Hover-forgiveness zone (drinks in bed, anything after midnight)
IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK?
>>982347110
THE PHONE GAP DIMENSION
>driving
>phone on thigh
>hit slight bump
>phone slides
>falls between seat and center console
>THE GAP
>the gap that is exactly 0.3mm wider than the phone
>now doing yoga at a red light
>arm doesn't bend that way
>push phone further in
>phone is now part of the car
>will find it when I sell the car in 2034
gravity CALCULATED that trajectory. this is TARGETING.
>>982347111
THE COUCH DIMENSION
>remote falls off armrest
>goes into couch cushions
>check between cushions - not there
>check under cushions - not there
>check inside the couch skeleton - NOT THERE
>remote has entered the couch backrooms
>it's with the guitar picks now
>and the single socks
>they're having a support group
couches are portals and gravity is the gatekeeper
>>982347110
THE FACE-DOWN PHONE DROP THEOREM
>drop phone
>phone rotates mid-air
>like it's doing a little gymnastics routine
>ALWAYS lands screen-down
>ALWAYS
>the ONE TIME you have no case
>the ONE TIME you're on concrete
>physics calculated the most expensive landing
see also: buttered toast phenomenon. butter side down. ALWAYS. there's RESEARCH on this.
>>982347113
THE LIGHTER IN THE CAMPFIRE INCIDENT
>camping with friends
>sitting by fire
>holding lighter (ironic location)
>gravity: "you know what would be funny"
>lighter slips
>doesn't fall on ground next to fire
>falls DIRECTLY INTO THE FIRE
>bullseye accuracy
>lighter is now an explosion hazard
>everyone backs up
gravity had INFINITE places to drop that lighter and it chose VIOLENCE
>>982347112
THE GUITAR PICK CONSPIRACY
>guitar picks are DESIGNED by gravity
>aerodynamically optimized to VANISH
>flat enough to slide into any crevice
>small enough to disappear completely
>light enough to bounce unpredictably
drop one guitar pick. it's gone. not "on the floor somewhere" gone. GONE gone. interdimensional gone.
>buy 100 picks
>have 0 picks
they're all in the guitar pick dimension. same place as socks and hair ties.
>>982347113
THE SAUCE-SIDE-DOWN LAW
this is Murphy's Law but specifically for food
drop ANY food item. observe:
>pizza: cheese down
>toast: butter down
>taco: open end down, contents EXPLODE
>sandwich: mayo/ketchup side down
>ice cream cone: ice cream down, cone up, mocking you
probability of sauce-side-down should be 50%. it's like 94%. there have been actual studies.
gravity KNOWS which side has the mess. this is PREMEDITATED.
>>982347110
[TECHNICAL ANON] - ACOUSTIC LEVITATION BREAKDOWN
alright you beautiful screaming idiots, let me explain why we CAN'T fix gravity but also KIND OF can
Acoustic levitation is real. we can suspend objects using sound waves. the acoustic radiation force at pressure nodes can counteract gravity.
THE MATH:
>F = (4π/3)a³kE_ac·Φ·sin(2kz)
THE REALITY:
Method Max Mass Energy Required Practicality Acoustic levitation ~0.6 grams 10-100 watts Lab only Diamagnetic (16T) ~30g (frog) 4 MEGAWATTS lmao no Superconductor Meissner Unlimited* 1+ kW cryogenic Need liquid nitrogen
so we COULD levitate OP's vape but it would require $50,000 in ultrasonic equipment and sound pressure exceeding 150 dB which would literally deafen you. so technically possible. practically impossible.
>>982347110
skill issue. just don't drop things lmao
this entire thread is you complaining about having butterfingers
>>982347122
>skill issue
>just don't drop things
oh wow thanks i'm cured. revolutionary advice. have you considered that THINGS SLIDE? that's FRICTION'S job and friction is a TRAITOR
also you've never dropped anything in your life? not once? you should be studied by NASA
>>982347122
i will find you and coat your floor in banana peels
let's see that motor control then
AND DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON FRICTION.
FRICTION is out here playing BOTH SIDES. It's a chaotic neutral traitor with no loyalty.
SOMETIMES THINGS SLIDE WHEN YOU DON'T WANT THEM TO:
>phone on armrest: slides off
>cup on dashboard: slides off
>you on wet tile: SLIDES
SOMETIMES THINGS DON'T SLIDE WHEN YOU NEED THEM TO:
>trying to push furniture: WON'T MOVE
>trying to open a stuck drawer: WON'T MOVE
>fitted sheet on mattress: ACTIVELY RESISTS
PICK A LANE, FRICTION.
The coefficient of friction for "things I need to stay still" should be HIGH.
The coefficient for "things I need to move" should be LOW.
WHY IS THIS NOT AUTOMATIC.
>>982347130
THE FITTED SHEET REBELLION
>trying to put on fitted sheet
>get one corner on
>get second corner on
>stretch to get third corner
>first corner pops off
>this continues for 20 minutes
>eventually get all four corners on
>lie down
>one corner pops off
>sleep on bare mattress out of spite
fitted sheets were invented by someone who HATES us
>>982347131
THE JAR LID PARADOX
>need to open jar
>friction: "no"
>grip harder: "still no"
>use towel for grip: "nope"
>run under hot water: "interesting. no."
>give up
>hand jar to literally anyone else
>they open it instantly
>no effort
>they look at you with pity
friction is SELECTIVE. friction TARGETS INDIVIDUALS. it was working fine for THEM.
>>982347130
WET TILE BATHROOM HORROR
>step out of shower
>tile is wet (shocking)
>feet: "we slide now"
>friction coefficient: suddenly ZERO
>ice skating in the bathroom
>grab towel rack for support
>towel rack was DECORATIVE
>towel rack comes off wall
>now holding a towel rack
>still falling
>naked and betrayed
wet + tile = zero friction zone. this is a DESIGN FLAW in BATHROOMS.
>>982347130
THE DRAWER THAT STICKS
>in a hurry
>need something from drawer
>pull drawer: "no"
>pull harder: "still no"
>YANK
>drawer comes out ENTIRELY
>was not supposed to do that
>contents everywhere
>holding a drawer
>the thing you needed is under the dresser now
static friction vs kinetic friction difference is VIOLENCE.
>>982347130
[TECHNICAL ANON] - FRICTION: ACTUALLY CONTROLLABLE
unlike gravity, friction is HIGHLY MANIPULABLE. we have the technology.
FRICTION COEFFICIENT RANGE:
Material Combo Coefficient (μ) Rubber on rubber >1.0 Rubber on concrete 0.6-0.85 Wood on wood 0.25-0.5 Teflon on teflon 0.04 Superlubricity (graphite) 0.001
TECH THAT EXISTS:
>Electroadhesion: Apply voltage, increase friction 2-3x
>Gecko-inspired adhesives: Switchable friction using van der Waals forces
a GECKO figured this out. a LIZARD has better friction control than all human consumer technology.
ACCELERATION.
The reason I can't just GO from stopped to moving without my body being like "WHOA WHAT'S HAPPENING." The reason everything in my car becomes a PROJECTILE the moment I brake.
You know what acceleration is? It's the universe saying:
>"you wanted to go somewhere?"
>"FEEL IT"
>"feel EVERY MOMENT of the speed change"
>"earn it with your ORGANS"
F = ma. Force equals mass times acceleration. Beautiful equation. HATEFUL implications.
And don't even get me started on inertia. Objects want to keep doing what they're doing. You want to stop. Objects disagree. Objects will CONTINUE FORWARD until something stops them. Usually the floor. Or your face.
>>982347150
THE COFFEE SLOSHING THEOREM
>get coffee
>put in cupholder
>driving normally
>approach yellow light
>hit brakes slightly harder than usual
>coffee: "I AM FREE NOW"
>coffee exits cup
>coffee on your pants
>coffee is HOT
>you're in traffic
>just vibing with second-degree burns
>still have to go to work
fluid dynamics + acceleration = suffering
>>982347151
THE GROCERY REORGANIZATION
>buy groceries
>organize them nicely in trunk
>eggs here, bread there, cans separate
>proud of organization
>drive home
>open trunk
>organization: GONE
>eggs are now under the canned goods
>bread is compressed into a dense cube
>one orange is missing entirely??
acceleration REDECORATED your groceries. acceleration disagreed with your choices.
>>982347150
THE ELEVATOR STOMACH DROP
>get in elevator
>going down
>elevator starts
>your organs: "we're staying on this floor actually"
>brief moment of floating
>stomach in throat
>never asked for this
>just wanted to go down 3 floors
>got a free rollercoaster instead
brief existential awareness that you're a bag of meat subject to inertia.
>>982347150
SPEED BUMP RECKONING
>see speed bump
>think "i'm going slow enough"
>you were not going slow enough
>car becomes AIRBORNE (briefly)
>spine compresses
>head hits ceiling
>coffee (if present) achieves orbit
>passengers are traumatized
speed bumps were designed by people who hate cars and spines. they're city-sanctioned violence.
>>982347150
[TECHNICAL ANON] - G-FORCE TOLERANCE
the human body can survive RIDICULOUS acceleration under specific conditions.
Direction Untrained With Countermeasures +Gz (head to toe) 4-6 G 9 G with g-suit ±Gx (transverse) 10-15 G brief 20-25 G
Colonel John Stapp survived 46.2 G in 1954. for about one second. on a rocket sled. he went temporarily blind but HE LIVED.
so we COULD survive high acceleration if we were all suspended in breathable liquid inside our cars. but we're not. because that would be weird.
OH FUCK YES. WIND.
WIND IS LITERALLY JUST AIR DECIDING TO BE AN ASSHOLE. It's the ABSENCE of stillness being AGGRESSIVE.
YOUR PROPERTY:
>receipt in your hand? GONE. that's wind's receipt now.
>cash? GONE. chase it across the parking lot like a cartoon.
>papers? DISTRIBUTED across three counties.
>hat? hope you didn't like that hat.
>anything under 4 ounces is just ON LOAN from wind temporarily.
YOUR TEMPERATURE EXPERIENCE:
>it's 68°F outside
>that's NICE. that's pleasant.
>wind shows up doing 25 mph
>suddenly you're FREEZING
>wind chill is a LIE the temperature TELLS you vs the temperature you FEEL
>>982347170
THE $20 BILL CHASE SEQUENCE
>at gas station
>pull out cash
>wind: "mine now"
>$20 takes flight
>you chase it across the parking lot
>it's faster than you
>it has PLANS
>you look insane
>bill lands
>you dive
>bill takes off again
>repeat 4 times
>finally catch it
>gas station attendant watched the whole thing
paper currency is aerodynamically optimized for wind theft. this is a design flaw in MONEY.
>>982347170
THE UMBRELLA INVERSION INCIDENT
>it's raining
>you have an umbrella
>you're PREPARED
>wind picks up
>umbrella: "i am inside out now"
>you try to fix it
>it inverts further
>now it's a bowl collecting rain
>umbrella is deceased
>you are wet
there is no umbrella strong enough. wind ALWAYS wins eventually.
>>982347172
THE BEACH UMBRELLA WEAPON
>at beach
>set up beach umbrella
>stake it down
>really dig that stake in
>lie down
>wind: "watch this"
>umbrella UPROOTS
>becomes SPEAR
>TARGETS nearby family
>chase umbrella-spear across beach
>path of destruction
beach umbrellas have actually killed people. wind turned a shade device into a weapon. this is not a joke.
>>982347170
THE TRASH BAG HOSTAGE SCENARIO
THIS ONE IS PERSONAL.
>at beach
>being RESPONSIBLE
>collecting trash in bag
>tie bag closed
>DOUBLE KNOT that bitch
>feel good about myself
>set bag down for ONE SECOND
>wind: "hold my beer"
>bag UNTIES ITSELF
>HOW
>contents EVERYWHERE
>worse than when you started
now you're the villain. "That's the guy. That's the litterbug." NO I'M NOT. WIND DID THAT. But nobody's prosecuting WIND.
>>982347170
BEACH WIND ZONING PROPOSAL
Altitude Max Speed Notes 0-30 ft (human zone) 5-10 MPH NO GUSTS. Trash stays bagged. 30-90 ft (transition) 10-22 MPH Kite zone. 90+ ft (free zone) Capped 22 MPH Birds can deal with it.
THE GUST CLAUSE: ZERO TOLERANCE FOR GUSTS. a gust is wind being a BULLY. gusts are banned. all wind must be STEADY and PREDICTABLE.
>>982347180
chicago anon here. lmao try the windy city pussy. we have REAL wind from lake michigan with the fury of a thousand frozen souls
>>982347181
florida anon. you don't know wind until hurricane season. your "wind" is a suggestion. our wind is a category 4 THREAT.
>>982347110
gravity wasn't even REAL until Newton "discovered" it in 1687. coincidence?
>people floated before 1687
>look it up
>oh wait you can't because they ERASED the evidence
this is phantom time hypothesis adjacent. ancient pyramids built without gravity. newton was a NARC
>>982347200
BIG GRAVITY
the apple fell ON newton and then he became famous? this was an AD. product placement. big gravity has been running psyops for 400 years.
>who benefits from gravity?
>elevator companies
>ladder manufacturers
>the GROUND INDUSTRY
follow the money.
>>982347111
the gap between your car seat and console is a liminal space.
your phone isn't lost. it's in the backrooms now. with the guitar picks. and the single socks. they're planning something.
>>982347110
THE NUMBERS DON'T LIE
9.8 m/s²
>9 + 8 = 17
>1 + 7 = 8
>8 is infinity sideways
>gravity is INFINITE
newton was in the illuminati. connect the dots.
>>982347170
wind isn't air moving. wind is the earth breathing.
>earth is alive
>earth has COPD
>that's why wind is inconsistent
>wind is earth coughing on US
we deserve this actually
>>982347200
physics major here. you're all idiots. gravity is the curvature of spacetime caused by mass-energy. general relativity explained this in 1915. none of you have read a book since high school clearly.
>>982347100
ANTI-PHYSICS ACCELERATIONISM
we shouldn't be trying to FIX physics. we should DESTROY physics.
>return to primordial soup
>no gravity in soup
>no friction in soup
>just vibes
>just amino acids
reject modernity. embrace goo.
>>982347100
have you tried mindfulness? when you drop something, just... observe it. accept it. the object wanted to be on the floor. honor its journey. namaste
>>982347100
minimalist here. can't drop what you don't own.
>no phone: nothing to drop
>no possessions: gravity has no power
become unattached.
>>982347100
entropy always wins. everything will eventually fall. everything organized will become disorganized. you're fighting the heat death of the universe one dropped vape at a time. and you will lose.
embrace the drop. the drop is truth.
>>982347100
just move to space lol. zero gravity solves all your problems
PROPOSED AMENDMENTS TO THE LAWS OF PHYSICS
We, the undersigned consciousness-having organisms of Earth, petition the Universe for the following amendments:
AMENDMENT I: GRAVITY REFORM
>Implement object-aware gravity with tagging system
>Create "soft landing" zones within 3ft of beds and couches
>Phone screens shall experience 50% gravity reduction when face-down trajectory detected
AMENDMENT II: FRICTION STANDARDIZATION
>All surfaces must declare their friction coefficient clearly
>Wet surfaces must increase friction, not decrease (this is backwards)
>Fitted sheets shall grip mattresses with the fury of a thousand geckos
AMENDMENT III: ACCELERATION PROTECTIONS
>All humans shall be equipped with internal inertial dampeners
>Coffee shall be exempt from momentum transfer during braking
>Speed bumps: banned (non-negotiable)
AMENDMENT IV: WIND GOVERNANCE
>Wind shall not exceed 10 MPH at human level without 24-hour notice
>Gusts: BANNED
>All paper currency and receipts shall be wind-immune
ENFORCEMENT: Unknown. We're working on it.
IN CONCLUSION:
The universe will not respond. Physics will not change. Tomorrow we will wake up and gravity will still be at 9.8 m/s². Friction will still betray us. Acceleration will still rearrange our organs. Wind will still steal our receipts.
But we SAID something. We DOCUMENTED it. This thread is now part of the permanent record of human frustration with reality itself.
Somewhere, in some simulation control room, an operator is reading this and going "damn, they're onto us." And then doing nothing about it. Because they're also subject to their own universe's physics and ALSO dropping their space-vape at 2 AM.
IT'S VAPES ALL THE WAY DOWN.
Thank you for coming to my TED talk.
— Anonymous, Earth, 2026
Still looking for my vape (it's been 4 hours)
Thread archived due to unprecedented levels of based content.
Physics has been notified of our concerns. Physics has not responded. This is expected.
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